


The Way You Shoot Down Germans Gets Me Overwhelmed

by ShipperTrash140109



Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mentioned One Direction, Pain Kink, Paintball, be kind to one another, ellen degenres kink, idk what this is, niall horan kink, one direction kink, thanks wonston shittle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 13:56:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipperTrash140109/pseuds/ShipperTrash140109
Summary: Alex dropped onto all fours and charged up the stars, eager to see the best of it before it ended, he never could risk missing out on a such an opportunity. When he reaches the door, he doesn’t hesitate before shoving it open.The sound of one direction makes his ears hurt with the sheer volume, but nothing can make him look away from the spectacle in front of him, Farrier, Jack Farrier, Squadron Leader Farrier, the top to end all tops, is jamming out to ‘what makes you beautiful’ by One Direction. Alex’s mouth falls open, he can’t believe it, and then he’s laughing, cackling even, eyes stuck on where the older man was spinning and ‘dancing’ along to the music.akafarrier listens to one direction





	The Way You Shoot Down Germans Gets Me Overwhelmed

**Author's Note:**

> im not sorry at all

After a long day of being a menace to society, there’s nothing Alex loves more than coming home and hibernating in his cupboard until Friday rolls around and the house is filled with the sounds of…competition. Except, today wasn’t like other days, because for one, Alex hadn’t been caught by animal control (yet) and because it seemed he wasn’t the only one home, he couldn’t be, because last time he checked, houses didn’t play One Direction songs on their own.

Frowning, Alex closes his cupboard and makes his way up the stairs, the song growing louder and louder the closer he got. It was strange, he swore the music was coming from the pilot quarters, where Farrier and Collins slept, perhaps they’d gotten home early and were going at it! They were trying to cover the sounds of their wild, exotic lovemaking with the heavenly vocals of Harry Styles!

Alex dropped onto all fours and charged up the stairs, eager to see the best of it before it ended, he never could risk missing out on a such an opportunity. When he reaches the door, he doesn’t hesitate before shoving it open.

The sound of one direction makes his ears hurt with the sheer volume, but nothing can make him look away from the spectacle in front of him, Farrier, Jack Farrier, Squadron Leader Farrier, the top to end all tops, is jamming out to ‘what makes you beautiful’ by One Direction. Alex’s mouth falls open, he can’t believe it, and then he’s laughing, cackling even, eyes stuck on where the older man was spinning and ‘dancing’ along to the music.

Farrier stops dead when he hears Alex, eyes snapping around the room before there’s suddenly a big fuckoff knife in his hand, it’s barely a few seconds before that knife is sailing through the air, and Alex is screaming at the top of his lungs and hitting the dirt before he realises the weapon has instead hit the radio, instantly killing poor Liam’s solo and sending the home into silence once more. Then Farrier is crossing the room, making a beeline for the cowering Brit on the floor, Alex starts screaming to try and assert his dominance, but it wasn’t very effective, and now Farrier is picking him up and slamming him against the wall with his gorgeous, thick, tattooed pilot arms, and Alex has to resist licking them as the older man shouts at him. “Listen here you little shit, you speak to anyone about this, about what you’ve seen, and I’ll invert your skull and turn you into plane fuel, you hear me, boy? You’re on thin fucking ice” he yells, and Alex nods, fingers squeezing at the hand around his neck, begging himself not to get a stiffy now, of all times. Oh, Farrier’s grip is so strong… he can hardly breathe, it would be a shame if…

“You can fuck me quiet if you want, I won’t tell” he pleads, the hold on his throat relentless and firm, Alex gasps as Farrier releases him, the younger man collapsing onto a heap on the floor.

“You’re messed up, Alex” Farrier sighs, before turning and retreating back into his room, slamming the door shut and leaving Alex to crawl back down the stairs and back into his cupboard.

Later that night at dinner, the tension between Alex and Farrier is palpable, neither of them meeting each other’s gazes once. Philippe picks up on it, and before long the quiet is pierced by his thick accent “what ze fuck is going on? What did you do this time?” he asked, eyes flickering between Farrier and Alex, the other men nod, confused as well.

Alex feels his cheeks heat, heart hammering in his chest, he can’t let the truth slip, Farrier would skin him, “I SAW HIM WANKING, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED, NO MORE QUESTIONS, HANDS OFF IT’S A POLICE MATTER!” Alex blurted, and if it were anyone else, people would be suspicious of the outburst, but considering that it was Alex, nobody really asked questions.

Collins, however, looked a little hurt “that’s my job! I know that my grip isn’t that good, but I’ve been working on it!” he exclaimed dramatically, and for a moment, Farrier met Alex’s gaze, a murderous look in those stormy grey orbs, Alex gulped, pushing his hair up into a messy chocolate brown bun, nobody else spoke as Collins stormed out of the room.

The next morning, Philippe is messing about on his phone when he hums, before he starts laughing, very loudly, Alex growls, skulking out of his cupboard to tell the other to shut up. “Alex, you know who you look like?”

“Susan Boyle?”

“No, you look like that twink from One Direction, Harry Styles, yeah come look, he’s got some song about sucking cock, Tommy is gonna love it”

Alex stopped listening, oh dear, _OH DEAR,_ he thinks, brain going into panic mode. He looks like Harry Styles, he looks like Harry Styles. Farrier is going to get him, he’s going to abduct him for his One Direction fantasy. Alex charges out of the house, and Philippe stares out the window, eating popcorn as he watches Alex desperately pitch a tent, halfway through the process, Tommy shuffles into the kitchen.

“Wha’s happenin?” He asked blearily, rubbing at his tired eyes, waddling unevenly towards where Philippe is stood, the Frenchman holding out the bowl of popcorn to him.

“I just told Alex he looks like that Harry Styles bloke so now he’s decided to go…camping? Either way, watching this idiot try to pitch a tent makes for amazing television” he explains, wrapping a free arm around the Brit, the two standing there watching as tent pegs go flying and tarps are thrown about. Eventually Alex just tires himself out and resolves to collapse on top of the unset tent. Tommy and Philippe laughing at him from the window.

For the next few days, Alex sticks close to Peter and George, his logical side telling him that even Farrier wouldn’t dare tarnish their childish innocence, the two are confused and a little annoyed, but both are much too polite to tell Alex to just fuck off. Nobody is sure why Alex is acting like more of a cryptid than usual, or why he honest-to-God hisses every time he sees Farrier, but given that there hasn’t been a fist fight yet, nobody bothers asking about it.

One morning, Alex disappears, and none of the other housemates really cares, actually, they’re relieved, because now they don’t have to fight Alex every time they want to get something from the pantry. Then, around about lunch, some disturbed looking blond bloke stumbles up the driveway.

“Guys, who’s that?” Peter asks, peering through the window, his brow furrowed as he watches the strange man grumble to himself, slowly making his way closer and closer to the door.

Collins appeared next to the younger man and growled, throwing the dishcloth he’d been holding to the floor, tearing his washing up apron off, “eef Philippe has ordered me anuther hooker, am gonna skin the bloody git!” then he’s storming out of the room, leaving Peter with more questions than answers. At long last, there’s a loud knock on the door, and after arming himself with a frying pan, Peter answers the door, prepared to threaten the other until he comes to an…odd, discovery.

“Alex? What the bloody hell happened to your hair?” he chuckled, eyeing off the bleached strands, his cheeks dimpled where he struggles to contain his laughter, Alex glaring and pushing past him, making his way towards his cupboard, he had to admit, even if the colour was terrible, he didn’t look much like the Harry bloke anymore. He may yet survive Farrier’s twisted One Direction fetish.

On the way, he runs into George, the brunet almost immediately breaking into uncontrollable cackles, Alex’s cheeks heating as he glares the younger man down. This does nothing to steep the steady flow of giggles escaping him, “oh my god, Ellen DeGeneres!” he laughs, following Alex as the very annoyed blond tries to escape towards his cupboard, “be kind to one another…accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer…procrastinate now, don't put it off…life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days- NO ELLEN COME BACK!” George could barely breath as he quoted Ellen DeGeneres, and then he sounded on the brink of tears when Alex made a dive for his cupboard, slamming the door shut and trying his best to block out George’s never-ending compendium of Ellen quotes.

Eventually, he hears Peter charge into the room and call George off, the two still laughing as they faded off into the distance. Leaving Alex alone and seriously reconsidering all his life choices, luckily for him, he didn’t think Farrier would want to stick his dick anywhere near Ellen DeGeneres, so Alex supposed the hair wasn’t all that bad.

He camps out in his cupboard for the better part of the afternoon, talking to his little spider mate that was camped out under the shelves, the spider wasn’t very communicative, but it hadn’t bit him yet, so he must be doing something right.

He’s discussing his rock fight with an old man with the spider when the door swings open to reveal Tommy, most likely in search of some biscuits to go with the six gallons of tea he drank a day, when his eyes fell on Alex he frowned. “Niall Horan?”

Alex made a leap for the Brit’s ankles, Tommy bolting away from him, his terrified scream filling the house. Suddenly, everyone was everywhere, Collins came careening down the stairs, his lanky legs tripping over each other and sending him tumbling down the last few, landing in a pile of limbs at the bottom. Philippe appeared with a broom, shooing Alex, who’d gone full despasicko mode, away from his boyfriend. Peter and George came running out from the hall, paintball guns blazing and sending bright purple pellets flying around the house, a few hitting Alex, the pain of the pellets only firing him up more, the blond now chasing Tommy on all fours with a raging erection.

Then, the door to the back of the house swings open, and a loud, dominant voice breaks out over the commotion, “the fuck is going on here?!” it’s Farrier, and everyone freezes on the spot, including Alex, whom hopes that if he doesn’t move, the pilot won’t be able to see him.

“Niall Horan over here is trying to vore Tommy!” Philippe accused, jabbing a finger at the still frozen blond. Farrier’s eyes move to the man, and Alex starts shaking as he makes his way slowly towards him. He hopes pilots follow the same rules as T-rexes, he couldn’t risk being captured. Suddenly, everyone is closing in on him, surrounding him, and Alex is about to go cut snake. He leaps for the space between Collins’ janky ass legs, but then there’s a broom being smacked down onto him, pinning him to the floor, and he can’t move as Farrier grabs him, dragging him to his feet.

There’re fingers digging into the sides of his neck and he allows himself to be dragged away, Collins asks Farrier what the hell he’s doing, and the older man replies simply “I’m gonna calm the bugger down, we’ll see how feral he is once he’s got some of **the fire**.” Alex can hear a shudder run through the room, and he can see Tommy and Philippe covering the eyes and ears of Peter and George as they lead them into a safer space.

“Baby you light up my world like nobody else?”

Farrier didn’t agree, and soon the house was filled with screams, whether they were good or bad screams remains a mystery to this day.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to drop a comment down below, or hmu on my [tumblr](https://hardleeharlee.tumblr.com/)


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